A Thousand Ways NOT to Die
by lleuad-glas
Summary: Because in Who-verse, it's not only possible to bring people back to life-it's bloody easy. Each chapter is a different way. Rated for repeated death; genre'd 'cause it varies, but somebody always comes back.
1. The Kiss Worked

**A/N: Sooo sorry it's been so long—apologies (and love!) to all you wonderful people who favorited me :) This really bugs me that it's so _easy_ to save people (you may have noticed my love of fix-its), and then they just _don't_. So here's every way I can think of to bring someone back to life. Some of them are probably a bit crack-y. Mostly I'm bringing back Ianto, but I'll do Tosh and Owen as well. **

**Disclaimer: These people are dead. Can we call them public domain now? No? That's just mean. Well, they're not mine :( Too bad, I'd have done better with them.**

**Spoilers for Day Four. But then again, you're not _here_ if you haven't seen that; you're off living the meaning of 'ignorance is bliss'.**

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**1. The Kiss Worked**

-~-exactly what it says on the tin

It was dark. Or maybe it wasn't. Ianto couldn't be sure.

This was partly because he was extremely disoriented.

But mostly because he was dead.

Of this he was at least mostly certain. He remembered the children, all freezing at once, to point to Thames House. He remembered his own determination, and his pride at being by Jack's side. He remembered being adamant-perhaps too adamant-that humans would fight.

And Ianto remembered falling. Suddenly, painfully, not having the strength to stand anymore, gasping words through his torn throat.

There was no telling where he was-it was literally impossible. It wasn't dark, he could tell that now. And it wasn't light, that much was obvious as well. It wasn't gray, or blank, or dull-it wasn't even nothing.

It just _was_.

Until suddenly, something else _was_ . Something pleasant. Something that made Ianto feel lighter... except that he couldn't be lighter, because he wasn't anything. He just _was_.

But the something else _was_ as well.

The something else was impossible. It began _doing_ something, when it-when everything-only _was_.

Ianto was surprised to find that this impossible thing that it was _doing_ was attaching itself to him. So he, in turn, was _doing_ something as well.

It wasn't much to be _doing_-as far as he could tell, he was just moving, very slowly-but at the same time it was fascinating, that in a world that simply _was_, anyone, or anything, could be _doing_. This _doing_ seemed to be speeding up as he went-went where?-until, it seemed to Ianto that he ought to be going very fast. Not that it was possible to know, when everything just _was_.

What might have been seconds, minutes, or a small eternity later, the _was_ world all at once _wasn't_, and it was replaced by a world that _did_ things.

At the moment, it was stuffy, dark, and claustrophobic. Memory flooded back to him in a tidal wave of pain and confusion, and he very nearly screamed. Instead, he just pushed against the restrictive fabric cage, struggling against it until the smooth _zip_ sound hummed past his ear, and he was suddenly blinded with light.

He pushed his eyes closed as hard as he could, fighting against the brilliant light as his eyes slowly adjusted, and he opened them to see Gwen standing over him, looking at once positively radiant and extremely nervous.

Ianto took her hand, pulling himself up before immediately collapsing onto a chair. He rubbed his temples for a second, trying to orient himself. How much time had passed? Where was Jack? Were the children still in danger?

"Calm down, Ianto," Gwen said soothingly, "Everything's fine. The children are safe. I'm a little unclear on how _you _are okay… just, go talk to our fearless leader for me? He's blaming himself for everything." She explained exactly what Jack had to do to save the world, horror and sympathy in her eyes.

When she was done, Ianto stood resolutely, finding Jack exactly where he expected to. Sitting alone, in the dark corner of the room where Steven had been killed, turning his gun over pensively.

"Jack." His head whipped up so quickly Ianto thought it would have hurt if not for his 51st Century genetics. And/or immortality.

"Ianto? You were—"

"Dead, I know. Strange how that keeps happening. Too bad I didn't get to wake up with a kiss this time."

Jack stood quickly, gun forgotten on the floor. He reached out to touch his lover tentatively, not quite believing that he could have a third chance at life.

"You're really here…"

"I intend to stay that way as long as you need me."

"You're going to be around for a long time then." He smiled weakly, and Ianto took his opportunity, stepping forward slightly.

"And yet, no time like the present." One more step forward…

Exactly how long the ensuing kiss lasted was anyone's guess, both doing their utmost to absolutely melt into a glorious reunion of lips, tongues, and occasional teeth, hands moving where they would to check (and double and triple check) that all parts were still present and in working condition.

Gwen politely interrupted them (with another exclamation of _Oh God!_) just before they began losing clothes, and kindly instructed them to remove themselves to a more private location (_Get a room before I have to bleach my eyes!_). And they did, with all possible haste.

It was by no means _okay_, but Ianto was sure that somehow, he and Jack would be able to work through it.

They always did.


	2. Nanogenes

**A/N: Two at once! Okay, yeah, this may or may not have been why it took so long. But I plan to update at least once a week, now that school's out of the way. **

**Disclaimer: You know it's not mine. Spoilers for most of CoE, and Exit Wounds. Well, no REAL spoilers, just the things that need fixing.**

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**2. Nanogenes**

-~-a vortex manipulator is also an on switch

_Think! _Jack instructed himself vehemently. _There's a way out, there always is._

In the absence of an immediate solution and a Time Lord brain to invent one, he had taken to pacing.

He had been pacing for about six hours.

It didn't seem to be helping.

Beginning to be a little frustrated—in the way a TARDIS begins to be a little frustrated with ending up in an alternate universe—he sat down. He stood up again. He stomped in frustration like a five-year-old. He pulled his gun out, just to have something to do with his hands, and ended up throwing it across the room, where it struck the concrete in a burst of sparks.

And suddenly, his brain started working again. Where had he seen that before? Flurries of sparks whirling around the wounded, even bringing the dead to life…

Nanogenes.

It had been a long time. More than sixty years. But there was no chance in hell that Jack would leave any possible solution untested.

Out of habit he immediately reached for his vortex manipulator… Only to find that it was gone, having been blown off his wrist in the explosion. The memory made him shudder momentarily. So he would need to go back to the Hub—what was left of it—to find the device.

And then he would have Ianto back. Jack's perception of the world instantly focused into a single thought. Get to the Hub, get to the Hub, get to the Hub…

Gwen was still in shock, so she didn't question it when he sprinted past her to get to the nearest car, regardless of its proper owner. The world was still in shock, so they didn't question it when he shot down the streets at well over a hundred miles an hour. It was slower and less maneuverable than his lovely Chula warship had been, but it didn't matter. Nothing did.

When he arrived the enormity of the destruction didn't crash over him as it might be expected to. He just mentally calculated trajectories and forces, and began digging. There was too much destruction, going down too deep, but he had to do this. Or die trying as many times as it took.

It was, fortunately for his sanity, only a few hours before Gwen realized what he was looking for, and they got actual teams of people with large machinery to help move the debris. Within a few days they had actually cleared most of the area where Jack knew the vortex manipulator would be, and it was with a triumphant cry that he announced he could hear its faint beeping sound.

An hour later and he had wired it up to a keypad, typing new programming in furiously; glad he had studied the command matrices of the micro-bots. A sufficiently strong K-wave should tap into their control circuits.

**Action: **K-wave oscillation pulse

**Range: **Planetwide

**Command: **ON

**Command:** HOME

**Duration:** Manual termination

In sixty years, the microscopic robots would have scattered like dust all over Earth's surface, blown by the winds and swept by the sea. But fortunately, it would only be a few hours before they returned home. That is, the last location their transport pod transmitted to them.

As soon as the programs had been uploaded to the manipulator, he jammed the SEND button as hard as he could, watching in awe as random spots of light, few and far between, appeared and began heading towards the old hospital. But before he could follow, he had two more things to find…

**Action: **K-wave oscillation pulse

**Range: **1 Kilometer

**Command: **REBUILD

**Specify: **HUMAN within 1 meter

**Duration: **Manual termination

Jack stood next to the apparently empty space on the hospital bed, staring at the tiny blood smear that was visible there, and prayed it was enough. He pushed SEND.

Slowly, the points of light spun and converged, first on him, and then on the blood—all that was left from the last blood test outside of the Hub. They isolated traces of DNA, found the small cells, and began to make a person out of them. They were good at their work, and it was only about half an hour before Owen's eyes snapped open.

Jack helped him up, gave him a two-word explanation, and went to stand next to the next bed over. This one was arguably worse. All that was left was a torn bit of skin—even the morgue had been wrecked by the blast. He pushed SEND one more time.

This was slightly faster, with more to work with and less to build, but Jack was still anxious until the moment that Tosh stood up, walking over to Owen and throwing her arms around him. Smiling at them hopefully, Jack input one more program.

**Action: **K-wave oscillation pulse

**Range: **1 Kilometer

**Command: **REPAIR

**Specify: **HUMAN within 1 meter

**Command: **INHABIT

**Command: **REPAIR TO CURRENT

**Duration:** Indefinite

Looking down at the broken body of his love, Jack pushed his tears back, and pushed SEND one last time.

This time, it was beautiful to watch. The golden light surrounded Ianto, every last spark disappearing into his body. Jack pulled him up by both hands and held him close, just needing to know that he was there for a while. But eventually…

"Jack, what did you do?" He clearly suspected Gloves or worse.

"Nanogenes. You're healed… for always." Nanogenes, Ianto understood. Always… was much harder to grasp.

"How do you mean?" he raised an eyebrow.

"They're going to stay with you. You won't even age unless you want to."

"So, I can have forever with you?" he whispered.

"Until you get tired of me."

"Not bloody likely."

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**A/N: I'm soooo sorry, I seem to be one of those annoying writers who has a good muse that quits on her as soon as she gets the story going. Not my intention, promise, and I'll do my best to put one up tomorrow.  
**

**Also, not that I'm trying to bribe you or anything... but if you review my muse gets very happy, and then she is much more willing to help out ;)  
**


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